


The [Un]Successful Escapades of Sperm Collection

by featherflairs



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Werewolves, Bodily Fluids, Clinical terminology, Derek's just trying to do his best, Doctor's clinic, F/F, Fertility Issues, Flirty Derek, Happy Ending, Human Derek Hale, M/M, Meet-Ugly, Misunderstandings, Nurse Stiles, Stiles cockblocks himself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-04-23 18:39:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14338641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/featherflairs/pseuds/featherflairs
Summary: Stiles is a nurse in a fertility clinic.Derek is getting his sperm tested.There's a bit of a misunderstanding.





	The [Un]Successful Escapades of Sperm Collection

**Author's Note:**

> Full disclosure, I know VERY LITTLE about doctors offices and fertility stuff, everything I learned was from wikipedia or that one Try Guys video where they got their sperm count tested.
> 
> Have some drabbles (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

Thursdays were slow days in terms of collections. Stiles was sitting at his triage desk at the end of the hallway and doodling on his notepad. A little basket of sample containers sat to his right, waiting for the last patient to finish up so they could be brought to analysis.

Stiles liked his job at the Beacon Hills Fertility Clinic.

At twenty six years old, he was the Head Nurse of urology while finishing up his PHD. And being Head Nurse of the Men's Fertility Department honestly just meant he was the guy who collected sperm samples from embarrassed dudes to run it through a badass super computer.

Stiles had already been doing this for three years. 

When he graduated next semester, he would be up for Director of Urology when his boss retired. Which was hopefully soon, because Stiles' boss was an asshole the size of Kansas and their clinic was in dire need of some modern upgrades.

But for now, he was continuously amused by the awkward, ashamed, and the oddly proud expressions his patients wore when they handed over their sperm samples.

Today, Room B's door was shut, indicating someone had gone in when Stiles had left for a bathroom break. Counting back from his break, Stiles knew the guy had been in the room for about half an hour. Fifteen more minutes and Stiles would have to go check on him to make sure he hadn’t died. 

That was never fun for either party involved.

But Stiles was pulled away from his doodle of Scott’s new dog when the door opened, signalling his last patient was finished. Stiles slowly looked up at the approaching patient, nearly dropping his pen when the hottest man on God’s green Earth started walking towards him.

He looked like someone who modeled motorcycles for a living. While lifting them over his head. During a wet tshirt contest. That was judged based on perfect jaw structure and the luxuriousness of body hair.

Stiles could only gape, sincerely not expecting to be confronted by this level of magnificence on a generic Thursday.

The patient was holding one of the magazines they supplied for the rooms with a awkward look on.

Stiles just stared in awe at his huge shoulders and impressive stubble, discovering quite rapidly that eyebrows were sexy. He looked a bit intimidating, but Stiles thought the murderous aesthetic worked for him.

“Sorry, um,” The man interrupted in a surprisingly gentle voice. 

Stiles scrambled to sit up after remembering he worked in a fertility clinic and now wasn’t the time to fantasize about hot patients.

“Were you looking for a different magazine? All the other rooms are empty if you wanted to switch it up with the other selections.” Stiles smiled reassuringly, aiming for casual and understanding rather than fretfully aroused.

The guy looked at the magazine in his hand awkwardly, shaking his head.

“No, uh.” He hesitated, Stiles giving him a minute. 

He was used to awkward interactions of all sorts, even inhumanly attractive people could be awkward sometimes. Tall, Dark and Awkward squared his shoulders.

“Do you have any magazines with men?”

"They all have men?"

"Only men."

Stiles’s brain short-circuited.

“Oh uh, crap. Sorry, I really wish, you know? But the director of our clinic is a conservative asshole, I keep requesting subscriptions for some because there are totally people who come in that are into guys, but he's been ignoring me for months. We’re supposed to be super proactive in the community, but its hard when everyone in the medical industry is stuck like a hundred years in the past.” He rambled embarrassingly.

The gorgeous man frowned in disappointment, tapping the rolled-up magazine on the desk thoughtfully.

“That’s alright, figured it might be a long shot. Thanks anyway.” He gave a weak smile and turned to go back to the collection room, Stiles staring weakly after his perfectly sculpted ass in too tight jeans.

The door clicked shut, Stiles dropping back into his chair and cursing loudly.

All he wanted to do was offer his own services to help, because _come on_. But he desperately needed his job and he already called his boss an asshole so propositioning patients was absolutely a big no no.

Stiles twirled his computer chair around in circles, intensely aware that an obscenely attractive man was currently jerking it right down the hall who conveniently was also into men.

But the more he thought about it, the more he figured the guy probably already had a partner. Why else would he be at the clinic getting his sperm checked? They were even committed enough that they were trying for kids. There was a slim chance that maybe he was single and looking to start his own family, but Stiles knew how conservative the area was. The chances of that were too unlikely to hope for. And even if he was, the guy probably didn't live anywhere near Beacon Hills. Also Stiles wasn't looking to have kids anytime soon. If he was looking to start a family then it was completely incompatible with Stiles' life plan. 

Not that Stiles was already planning out his life with some random stranger.

But, if there was any kind of sign for Stiles to stay away, all of those reasons would be it.

He grumpily scribbled a hat onto Scott’s doodle dog, slouching in his chair and waiting for the Greek God to come out with his sure-to-be glorious sample. He was probably had superman sperm too.

After few minutes the door opened again, Stiles sitting up and plastering on his most professional smile.

He looked a bit better this time, _probably from the orgasm_ Stiles thought annoyingly, and the guy waved his little plastic jar successfully from down the hall.

Stiles gave a thumb’s up, holding up the sample basket out for him as he came over.

“Awesome, dude, glad the magazines didn't deter you.” Stiles joked as the guy put his sample into the basket.

The man smirked, shaking his head and looking at Stiles’ name tag as he turned to leave for the waiting room.

“I had some last minute inspiration. Thanks, Nurse Stilinski.” He leered at Stiles he passed, walking away with an obscene swagger in his step.

Stiles stared down the hallway blankly, still out holding the basket of sperm samples. By the time his brain had registered what just happened, the guy was already gone through to the waiting room.

Before he could stop himself, Stiles dropped the basket and began searching through the containers for the attractive stranger's sample. As disgusting as it was for some people, he just looked for the one that was the warmest. By this point, Stiles was so medically desensitized that he had no boundaries remaining about anything biological.

There was a man out there who was hot like the sun and he wanted to bang Stiles.

Possibly.

After a brief panicky moment, he found it, Stiles rotating the label to locating his name.

Derek Hale.

Of course his name had to be hot too.

Stiles put the sample back into the basket and left the triage desk, remembering the other part of his job that required the testing labs for sample analysis.

Due to protocol, he wouldn’t get to processing Hale’s sample for a while. The rest of the patients had been waiting long enough as it was. His lab tech had been slowly coming to collect them one at a time, but there was definitely a backlog.

Stiles handed half the samples to his colleague, pulling on latex gloves and setting to work. 

By the time he had run all the test samples and forwarded morphology scans to the correct Urology and Embryology Departments, Stiles had figured out that Hale’s sample had been tested by the other technician. He couldn’t find a good reason to request running that specific sample when he still had three more to go, so all he could manage was grabbing Hale's file off the pile when he went off for consultations.

Six consultations later and two of them baring sad news, Derek Hale’s results were up.

Stiles was a sperm doctor; his life really didn’t get more exciting then this.

He practically sprinted to Doctor Song’s office with the files, handing her file off and barely saying hi before speed walking to the waiting room to go call his patient in. He resisted the urge to throw open the waiting room doors like a movie heroine, leaning out and glancing around the room for his favorite patient.

“Derek Hale!” Stiles called, seeing the motorcycle model stand from his chair near the vending machines. Much to Stiles’ disappointment, a pretty red-haired woman took his hand and stood with him as they walked up.

Stiles looked at the hand holding awkwardly, thinking back to Hale's request for a gay magazine.

Maybe the guy was bi. And he casually hit on nurses even though he was married and taken.

Stiles smiled politely, a tad strained, holding open the door for the couple.

Hale caught his eye as they passed, as if he was trying to convey something with his stupidly beautiful eyes, but Stiles avoided the look and closed the door behind them.

Stiles was just a nurse, he had no place to wonder about their family life and what may or may not get Derek Hale off at night or whether he was cheating on his very pretty wife. That was none of his business. 

But he was still pissed at him for so blatantly hitting on other people while trying to get pregnant with his partner. Stiles wasn't going to hide that judgement, especially when he was the other party being brought into it through said illegitimate flirting.

Stiles lead them to Doctor Song’s office, moving to stand behind her desk and hovering by the wall tensely.

It wasn't mandatory that he be there, but Stiles was usually brought in for consultations since he was the Head Nurse and Supervising Medical Technician for that day. When there was sad news to bear to patients, he would take the brunt of it with the scientific backup and potential future treatments. Amelia was completely qualified to do the consultations by herself, but she said it was good practice for when he became a doctor one day. Stiles would eventually have to be the one to run these meetings by himself, having that experience was vital for a smooth transition into his next position.

Also, sitting at a triage desk handling sperm all day could get a bit mind numbing.

Derek Hale and his wife sat in the chairs across from the large wood desk, Stiles looking at her with both pity and jealousy as she looked sharply around the office in interest. 

She really was quite pretty. She had long strawberry blond hair that delicately hung around her shoulders, wearing a white dress with designer shoes and even a matching purse. Her nails were manicured and her eyebrows perfectly shaped, showing impeccable care for her appearance. Even her confident posture was respectable in the current situation.

It wouldn't have surprised Stiles if they were both part of the upper class patients they got in from time to time. Her handbag looked like it cost more then his jeep.

And Stiles couldn’t even be annoyed at how pretty she was. If she had payed any attention to him in the real world then he probably would have bent over backwards for her too. 

Was she aware her husband was flirting with other people? He'd only briefly flirted with Stiles, had he gone any further and actually propositioned them or actually slept with anyone else?

It wasn't supposed to be any of his business, but now Stiles was invested.

Maybe they were having a baby to try and fix marital problems. It wouldn't be the first time Stiles had seen that situation happen. Some couples would try anything to fix a failing marriage. It was astonishing how much family drama Stiles got to witness in this profession. Maybe that's why he was getting a bit obsessed with this. His life was too dull and this was his own reality television.

“Good afternoon, my name’s Doctor Amelia Song, we spoke on the phone a few weeks ago about your fertility plans. How are you both doing so far?” Amelia asked pleasantly, the wife nodding elegantly and Derek reacting about the same.

"Eager." The wife smiled easily, hands folded over her purse in her lap.

“Nervous?” Derek answered contrarily, arms crossed over his chest. His shirt strained against the movement, distracting Stiles from his very important job of paying attention.

“That’s a perfectly good answer, very normal.” Amelia comforted, clicking on her computer. “So today we are testing sperm count and fertility rate.”

The wife leaned forward, eagerly trying to see the computer screen while Derek remained stiffly in his seat. Gone was the confident swagger he'd had in the Collections Hallway.

Stiles glanced between the two curiously, looking at Amelia’s computer where the results were displayed.

“So, the average healthy male produces about 1.5ml to 5ml of ejaculate during any given release. Mr. Hale, you provided us with 3.4ml, plenty enough for our technicians to test.” She motioned to Stiles, who smiled slimy when the couple both glanced at him.

Again, Derek tried to catch his eye, but Stiles ignored him, mildly offended at how shameless he was.

The wife patted Derek’s shoulder to get his attention, earning a withering look from her husband.

“Now, samples consist of about 73.1 million sperm per milliliter, so for you that would be approximately 248.1 million sperm. Lots of opportunity to conceive, Mr. Hale.” She smiled, turning her computer screen around for them to see the next bit of information.

Stiles thought about the numbers of his results, unable to not be impressed. Those were the ideal numbers for someone looking to have a baby, as awkward as the situation was. 

He still felt vaguely annoyed at the whole thing though. It was bad enough the guy was hitting on other people while trying to have a baby with his wife, apparently the douche had super-sperm too.

“In terms of morphology, this is a clip of the microscopic visual on your sperm's mobility,” Amelia clicked on the video clip, Stiles leaning forward to get a look at the screen. He hadn't had a chance to get a look in the lab when his colleague was working on Hale's sample.

The couple watched in facination, not totally sure of what they were looking at but interested all the same.

“You have a proper morphology of six percent, which is definitely higher then our average patient. Your sperm mobility is also very high, that means lots of sharp shooters. See how they're moving around a lot? That means tons of capability for conceiving.”

Derek seemed to relax once seeing and understanding the evidence, his wife looking away from the screen to Doctor Song.

“When my results come back as positive, the rate of success will be nearly guaranteed on our first attempt, correct?” She spoke pointedly, clearly determined to be successful on the first try. Everyone usually was, but Stiles was surprised at how confident she was in her future results.

Amelia nodded, awkward with the premature confidence in her results. They tried to avoid false hope because there was no guarantee until their results were presented. 

“If they do, yes.”

Stiles chewed the inside of his lip, conflict shrouding him about the entire situation. When he noticed Amelia pulling up an embryonic profile on her computer, Stiles stepped closer.

“You were looking to conceive via In Vitro, right?” Amelia carried on, Stiles glancing in interest at the patients and seeing both nod in confirmation.

Did that mean they’d been having trouble beforehand? With results like Derek’s and the wife's confidence in her eggs, it seemed like a waste of money to do In Vitro. Was their marriage that rocky?

Stiles felt his pager go off, glancing to it on his belt and quietly excusing himself. No longer hopped up on excitement to be around his favorite patient, he gladly left for the reception desk.

Mandy waved at him from behind the counter, handing Stiles a folder and motioning to the waiting room.  


“Laura Martin is here, could you bring her to Doctor Song’s office?” She asked, turning to go talk to a new client and promptly ignoring him.

Stiles frowned, gaping towards the waiting room doors and not getting the chance to mention there was currently patients in Doctor Song’s office. He sighed loudly, opening the waiting room door and leaning out.

“Laura Martin?” He called, glancing around busy waiting room for someone to recognize their name.

An attractive woman with dark hair stood up, looking as if she had rushed straight from the office to make her appointment. She was also visibly stressed out, which was the opposite of what Stiles wanted whenever they had new patients in.

He immediately smiled to try and calm her, holding his arm out for her to follow.

“Hiya, no need to worry. There just some people seeing Doctor Song right now, but she’ll be with you as soon as possible.”

Mrs. Martin gave him an odd look, pulling her purse over her shoulder and smoothing her hair back. 

“I think you mean my wife and my brother.” She offered, giving him an amused smile and following him down the corridor.

Stiles hesitated before responding, feeling like his brain was short circuiting again.

“Oh, yes of course. In that case, right this way. I promise the news is good, he’s got great swimmers.” He joked, barely covering up the mild panic attack he was having. Mrs. Martin laughed and followed him into Doctor Song's office.

Stiles was still reeling in the new information, watching dazedly as the petite redhead stood to give her a kiss and her brother came forward to give her a hug. The more he stared, the more Stiles saw the resemblance in their appearances.

That made more sense.

Stiles stood in the doorway awkwardly, feeling like a complete asshole while Doctor Song greeted Mrs. Martin and brought her up to speed with Derek's results.

Stiles caught Derek staring at him again, this time allowing himself to look back since everyone was distracted with catching Laura up. 

The look at Hale’s face was incriminating, though, clearly knowing what Stiles had assumed about the situation. It was like he could see right through Stiles and his bullshit assumptions about their lives. But instead of glaring at Stiles in anger, he had a smug looking smirk on. Apparently, he knew what Stiles had been thinking and he'd been trying to catch his eye to explain, meanwhile Stiles had been ignoring him the whole time.

Stiles, feeling like a massive idiot for assuming the guy was cheating on his make-believe-wife, looked towards the computer at Derek’s stupidly perfect sperm instead.

Mrs. Martin, who Stiles had quickly learned was Derek’s sister, was married to Lydia, the petite redhead. They were trying for a baby and Derek had offered his sperm so they could get as close to a biological pairing as possible.

It was disgustingly kind of him. Stiles was infuriated with himself.

So, he chose that moment to step out into the hallway. Doctor Song no longer required him since there was good news for the patients and no further treatments were needed to be discussed. Now they could discuss plans for In Vitro and move onto Lydia's fertility results, which were out of Stiles' jurisdiction. Also, his misunderstanding was really embarrassing and Stiles wanted to get away as quickly as possible so he could suffer in peace.

He'd managed to escape back to his triage desk on the other side of the clinic without incident, staring down in surprise at his basket of accumulating sperm samples. Apparently, his sticky note of 'place samples here' had worked for once and his desk wasn’t covered in little plastic sperm jars. 

Mildly impressed with his patients for once, Stiles toted the basket to the lab for his technician to start on while he returned to settle in for the next round.

After half an hour of sad daydreaming about self-sabotaging his chances with Hale, said Adonis had miraculously returned for him.  


Stiles stared up at Derek as he casually walked down the hall with his perfect stubble and stupid arms. Stiles just slouched in his desk chair and twirled his pen at him with a dower stare.

“If you’re here to donate anymore samples, you’re going to have to wait. All of our rooms are currently occupied.” Stiles advised in a resigned tone, glancing over to the clock on the wall behind him. “Room D should be right about done though, he looked pretty excited going in.”

That earned him a snort, Derek shoving his hands into his obscenely tight jeans.

“No, they’re happy with my results. Unless you want a sample yourself, my treat?” Derek flirted back, putting on his best Disney prince smile.

Stiles folded his arms, glaring up at him with an unimpressed look.

“You know, I’ve been in med school for the past five years. I was in the top five for my year of MCATs. I already have to deal with awkward straight guys who can't have a simple conversation about how to take care of their balls, I shouldn’t have to deal with cheap pickup lines too. No matter how fucking smooth you are. And you are smooth, really, you’re like a piece of silk you’re so smooth. It's infuriating. I hate it.”

“Alright, if I’m so smooth then what line will work on you? Because you seemed mad at me when you thought I was married and cheating on my wife, now I’m a single gay man and you're still mad. So what do you want me to say to fix this? Or are you straight and just not interested, because that's fine, I can go.”

Stiles frowned.

"No, I'm definitely gay and interested. But I didn't encourage any kind of unprecedented flirting, I'm at work. Also excuse me for being offended for your not-wife, which is a perfectly normal assumption, by the way! It's a shitty assumption and I probably shouldn't have done it in the first place, but believe it or not, that situation does happen here! A lot of married couples try and fix their problems by having a baby, which is absolutely the wrong thing to do, but we don't get to decide that choice for them. I was just hauled along for the ride and got overly invested."

"Okay, you're right, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come onto you like that. Those are all really valid points." He did sound genuine, but he came across as far more amused then apologetic. But Stiles had to give him points for trying.

He grumpily swung his chair from side to side. “But you really are interested in me and aren't taken and/or married?”

Derek rolled his eyes.

“What part of ‘I just jerked off into a cup thinking about you’ didn't make that clear?”

“Sorry, the ‘I'm holding hands with a woman and getting my sperm tested to have a baby with her' part threw me off.”

“Well, she's just my sister-in-law and I'm exclusively into guys. Also, I've been single for nearly three years, I live about thirty minutes away in Redding, my blood-type is A positive and think you're pretty cute. Is all of that enough background for you?”

Stiles glared at him, annoyed at how competent he was at wooing him.

“Now that I’m not being torn up about accidentally becoming a mistress, I suppose that's fine.” Stiles cautioned.

"I still don't know how I became the bad guy here, you were the one assuming I was cheating on my make-believe wife."

"Okay, yes, I fucked up! Sorry about caring for others! Now do you want to take me out after work or not?"

The look of victory on Derek's smug face obliterated any insecurities Stiles had about being turned down. As if being beckoned, Derek stepped forward to place his hands on the desk, leaning over Stiles with a smile that resembled something predatory.

"Yes, because trying to figure out this fertility stuff with my sister has been really stressful and I’d like to get off with someone other then a plastic cup today.”

Stiles carefully grinned, twirling his pen eagerly.

“That can be arranged. My name is Stiles, by the way.”

"Nice to meet you, I'm Derek. Now what time can I get you off at?"

\---

If they fucked in the backseat of Derek's Camaro after Stiles got off work then no one needed to know,

They even went to dinner after Stiles went home to change out of his ruined scrubs.

You know, for science.

**Author's Note:**

> lol flies into the sun.
> 
> I was beginning to hate this the more I looked at it so I decided to impulse post it before I lost my nerve. Thanks for reading! ✖‿✖
> 
> Come scream with me on [Tumblr](https://featherflairs.tumblr.com/) !


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